Den of the Cyphered Wolf

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Look not into the Maw of the Void Lest Ye be Devoured AKA Today Was One of My Demon Days

Today was a bad day for the spirit. For weeks now I haven't had a new idea, and furthermore I began to believe that even the old ones weren't worth anything. Thank God for Charles Schulz and Hunter S. Thompson to get me out of my funk. Do what you can and screw the rest. For good or ill the world goes on.

I was looking for a sign, that "In the sparkly quintessence the goings on of we little men matter for something" Then realized, fuck it if they don't. Regardless, we live. "The game is long and in the end it's only with ourselves."

I've got a few weeks before my next round of bills are due. Just get off my ass, get past all the psychological bullshit and try to do something with the time I do have. I'm confident I can scrap the money together like I normally do. Why the fuck am I so goddamn miserable? With all the shit going down in the world the truth is my life isn't all that bad.

Mostly it's just that I don't know what to do. I'm not just out of writing ideas. I'm out of ideas period. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Some days I see myself building something, and I can deal. Today started as not one of those days. Most days I have faith that the old adage is true. Content is king. If I keep writing, and if I try to write well eventually I'll gain a decent sized audience, be able to pay my bills, look my folks in the face and reassure them that I'm alright without them giving me the yeah right look. Today was one of those days when I lost that faith. Tomorrow is a different day, but today I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "What am I doing."

I hadn't said anything of any real meaning for a while. Sure it might be fun to talk about cartoons, but man needs more than fun and more than work. Today was one of those days when I felt I couldn't have either.

On days like this there is only one solution. Realize that none of my problems are immediate and count my blessings. At least for the moment, none of the collectors are knocking on my door. It's the Sabbath so not working today isn't so bad. Heck, it might even gain me a few points with the man upstairs. I'm in one of those moods where that matters. Even if I have pitifully low readership some folks come to this site and even seem to enjoy it. I generally like the material I've written so far.

Mostly my angst comes from being in a vacuum too long. The only people I really talk to on a regular basis are my parents. While I love them I keep getting the feeling that they don't understand my writing. Besides them all I have is the void. I push stuff out and other than my gut feeling have no way to know if it's good or bad. Other than my gut feeling I have no way of know if the entire damned effort is good or bad.

Today was one of those days where I needed more than just my gut feeling.

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