Den of the Cyphered Wolf

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Movie Review: Rock of Ages

Alright in the first five minutes I knew what I was going to say about this movie.  It's not a movie it's a bad karaoke bar. The movie serves no purpose, but as an excuse to get the audience to sing along with the songs. If you need an excuse to sing "Paradise City" there are better ones than this movie.  Go to '80's night at The Magic Bag. I guess maybe it might work if I were watching it at a theater, maybe. But on Tv it just comes across as annoying. Why am I torturing myself listening to bad covers when I can easily get the albums on Rhapsody and iTunes. Hell half of these songs have better music videos on YouTube.

Russel Brand is okay though. He gets a few good lines. Wait. Did that asshole just fuck up my second favorite Joan Jett song!? Nevermind. I take it back.

It's like High School Musical, but with songs that I care about, and I don't mean that in a good way. It's painful. Accept Mary J. That woman has vocal presence, but she can't save this thing.   The theoretical lead, there are two many characters and plots, can't sing.   Or at least can't sing this type of music. It's not about the notes it's about the attitude and energy. You have to be a badass. not a 17 year old trying to be a badass. Rock is built on stage presence.  They pay a lot of lip service to rock and roll, but they don't get it.

What's just as painful is without the songs it could almost almost be a This Is Spinal Tap like parody of the industry, but everytime it starts to set up a half decent joke cue bad music number, or cut to another arc.  Even if that weren't a problem the story doesn't have the balls to travel into the debauchery of  the 1980's L.A. strip.

It all feels sanitized, because a mainstream audience couldn't handle it. You haven't heard the tales I've heard man. You haven't seen the crazy shit I've seen. None of these guys look or sound like they've been hooked on speedballs for half a decade, with the possible exception of Tom Cruise. If anybody can act like he's high, it's Tom Cruise.  By the  way the reason why I don't do drugs is because that's how half my heroes died. Writers, musicians, and comedians. Keith Moon, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, Sam Kinison, Jimi Hendrix, Brian JonesMichael Jackson, Whitney Houston, John Belushi, Mitch Hedberg, Dee Dee Ramone, and  Bon Scott. That and meth scares the hell out of me. I already feel 10 years older than I am. I don't need to accelerate the process.  So all you bastards bound to knock on my door for that last paragraph can simmer down. I do not support drug use. 

Beyond that all the music numbers give what plot the movie does have pacing problems. I didn't know what the hell was going on until 40 minutes. It's all over the place. There are so many plots and characters  that you can't get invested in or really follow any of them. 

A better version of the movie is Rock Star, or more recently The Runaways. I want my Joan Jett songs done right.

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