Stars in My Head the Lion's Dead

Stars in my head
The lion bled
He curled his claws
Enraged by what he saw

Stars in my head
the lion bled
They ignored the old law
With no sign of awe

Stars in my head
The lion bled
Children die unfed
As the men continue to bed

Stars in My head
The lion is dead

Thining Tree

I am close to my prime as a man may be, but I feel age’s pull
I see my father becoming more and more surely, and fear it will happen to me.
I see my grandmother’s frailty and fear it will happen to me.
I see my mother’s worried brow and fear it will happen to me.
It already is. I see closing doors and wallow in thoughts of past mistakes
I wonder when I have become as old as I will, is this a dream from which I will wake

To the Friends We Lost Along the Way

I should have spoke more.
I should have laughed.
I still live as though stuck in life,
Because I keep forgetting how quickly it can be taken,
That those who run and laugh and seem to be the most alive among us
Can be the first to die.
I wish I had more memories of you guys
But I do have the few jokes and advice of those who stood by me
Even when I was quiet or ill tempered,
To Those who would speak to me even when I was shy
and couldn’t get over myself.
To Phil, Julius, and Frank.

Flesh Against Flesh

Its in these hazy morning moments
That cardinal desire sets in.
I want to feel flesh against flesh
Not for lust but to know someone intimately
No, not even that. I want someone to know me intimately
For in the morning, in the bright orange lights people think differently
I think differently.
There are times when I think I am most me.
Only for fleeting moments am I truth
before the world sets in
Before I put on my costume for the day and go of with the yes sirs and I’m on its

I need a partner
Someone to share that with
Someone who can be themselves in front of me

And then I remember I don’t believe in love
That I’ve long ago given up hope of its existence
Everybody wears masks
And everybody myself included is too afraid to let their guard down
long enough to find that person
I’m too afraid to find that person
A person I trust with my soul
A person I trust to guard my true self

I don’t know if my true self is even worthy of that type of love.

Brothers of the Night

The starry black sky
Filters through my window
Showing a wistful freedom of the night

My curiosity leads me out my door
To see it once more and
Join my brothers of the night

Starry Eyes

I see her starry eyes
And part of me hopes to make her mine
But the fiery spirit of those eyes
I don’t know if I can handle such highs.
Chancy Chancy
Should speak to her of her eyes
Will they ignite
And burn me alive.
And leave me alone in the night

The artist revolution

Tech has created a new medium
Can’t stop the idea
Color sound words
Swirling into life
Rife with eyes
Through out our lives
It can’t be held in one head
It treads
Coming into our home
Into our heart

What is nobilty?

How do we define nobility in this age
For after all there is social nobility.
Is it how I talk or stand or walk the land?
Is it how I treat my fellow man?
Is it how I choose to unleash my rage?
Is it the mark of civility?
Or how we chose to use our God given abilities?
Is it how we chose to rise above the bland?

The Quiet Times

I hope for peace
But How can it come
When there is so much war
So much pain
When nobody stops
And just says this is what I have
This is what’s worth keeping
The quiet times

Winter

First every thing dies.
Green grass stops growing,
And turns into a dry dreary brown.
As this happens the sun goes bye bye
Its not going to be seen again a long long time.
Then the people go.
Outside’s no longer fun.
Its to cold to go out and run.
Finally a crushing blanket of white powder covers up the ground.
The little life left around me is covered up and frozen.

The Fallen Warrior

Its three in the morning. I’m awake again. I want to pound the bag until I’m forced to the ground, but I know it won’t work. Even now my body won’t obey my commands, It’s my damned brain. It’s racing. I want my head to shut the fuck up. I put my heavy ass legs over my bed, because I know there is no chance of going to back to sleep. I go to the bathroom and shower.

Most nights like tonight, I’m relaxed enough to play some video game or read some book but tonight is different. Wounds that never closed seep with blood and pus... And to top it off that sticky shit on the band-aid doesn’t work anymore. I can’t ignore it tonight. I can’t act like ... like I’m not afraid.

It seems like the university was a long time ago, but it wasn’t. When I was there I was a different person from who I was just prior and after. Alone and with the work and doubt I was darker, cut off, especially in the second semester. I worked my ass of so I can go back somewhere else but still. I fucked up. I still don’t know how, but I fucked up. And for some reason I still can’t explain why I want to go back. If I could make this situation a person I would tell them to fuck themselves in ten thousand different ways. I can’t. Especially since I’m the one who flunked out. And then there’s the differences. I still don’t know where I’m going to go or what I’m going to do. And this time it matters. Nobody’s going to say don’t worry about it your still a freshman.

I also think I’m out of practice. Its not the academics I worry about so much. Most of the class work is the same. Calculus is calculus no matter where you take it though I dropped out of that class here too. I still make the MacArthur like speech about it calling it a tactical retreat and vowing to return when the stakes aren’t so high. Anyway here at home things aren’t the same. I can’t have mommy and daddy looking over my shoulder with a shot gun the rest of my life. My parents think that I flunked because of a lack priorities. It wasn’t fucking that and it pisses me of every fucking time they say that idiotic shit I worked my ass of while I was there. Sometimes I wouldn’t have but a half hour in the day when I didn’t have to do something. Me being up now is probably a hold over from when I stayed up till four back then. Hell most, nights I didn’t even get home till twelve. It was probably my people issues. There alone I couldn’t cut it.

I was raised to believe that of you work hard you’ll get what you want. Now I know it’s bull. The rat in the wheel can run ‘till he’s dead but he’ll still be in the same place. You got to work smarter not just harder. In high school if you compare answers with your neighbor there you’re a cheat. Here its called studying. Profs even flat out said work together and you’ll be fine. Hell in lab we even worked the shit out. I never wrote it down thinking that I should pay attention and try to do it myself later. Fuck. I was a moron.

And then there’s my penance. I can’t apply for a pre-professional degree. Which of course means I couldn’t get back into engineering if I wanted to. Most of the time I don’t. But I hate closing fucking doors. Truth is I know less about what I want to do with my life then I did then. Then at least I had a plan. Now I’m just floating. I have to chose a major by the end of the week to go on the transfer applications. I’m going with journalism. I want to be a newspaper reporter but the truth is print’s dieing. I refuse to be a TV reporter. As a mater of fact the only reason why I’m even putting that down is because I want to write. That’s the only thing I know. I want to write. Hell its the only thing I came out of the last 3 years doing with any amount of confidence. If college has given me a skill it is only this one. Fuck it though. I’m too chicken shit to try to get anything published.

I get out of the shower. If I was groggy before that feeling’s gone. I figure I should work on the applications. I already filled out the monkey parts you know name address shit like that. Its the other parts that make me want to walk away from the table like I’ve done the other five times I tried to do this. “Is there anything we should know about your academic record”. The truth is I almost never talk about this shit with anyone and I don’t want to write some stupid nonchalant shit and have it read by some stupid nonchalant clerk who will then proceed to nonchalantly judge me. I also don’t want to lie. I know I can’t say everything will be great this time because I don’t know. Like I said I’m out of practice. At the community college I got good grades but there are small differences. At the university, I was game to do anything at anytime. If I had to be somewhere at eleven I was fine with it because the buses ran ‘till two. Here whatever needs to be done needs to be done by seven. There the library was walking distance from my pad too. I always lament the loss of the closeness of the place. I could easily get anywhere I wanted to be within fifteen minutes. Here its like an hour. That of course adds to the out of the way factor. Whenever I tell mom there is better time to do something she always cries about how I have my priorities screwed up but doing things her way could add hours of wasted time that I don’t have to my day.

I think of where I would want to go. NYU. MY parents said they won’t pay for me to go out of state. But there’s nowhere in state I really want to go. NYU seems like it would be a cool place. I know chance are slim of going there. I would need a scholarship. Ten grand more, than I got, I need. Dad’s pissed about the money he spent on my last academic venture. Even though by going to community college I actually saved him twenty grand counting his losses. It was always a gamble. Everything is. He once told me the worse thing I could do to him is not go to school. Would he, now that things get a little rough, have me give up. Fuck that shit. And there’s also all this talk of restrictions. Fuck that shit too. If I leave I leave to grow up. I can’t do that if I have to defer to mom and dad about my every decision. Nobody’s going to get me though the next few years but me.

He makes speeches about how all the littles make a big, about how I should cut my hair and get a driver license. Probably would have cut my hair if he hadn’t made such a big deal about it. I have it now because I can’t change it. Had had this fro for a good 10 years. I can’t just change it on a fucking whim. I’m a fighter, but I can’t fight with fists. This is the only weapon I have, to be different to do things my way.

I bang my head against the desk, get up and pace like a wolf in a cage. I always preferred wolves to tigers. I used to say I would grasp what I wished with the speed and ferocity of the wolf, and now I hesitate. I think about my friends. Although for most of my time there I was trapped in melancholy solitude, I had a few friends. I feel regret that I haven’t spoken to them since I left. I always hope that maybe I’ll go back there for a masters, so I can see them again. I’m one bastard who knows how to fall off the face of the earth when I want to . Every time I thought of messaging them I had to work though my shame. Eventually I just quit trying. Even when two of them died, I did not pick up a phone or go to the funerals. I know that is going to be something I regret for the rest of my life. How could I talk to them after that. The grand irony of this is that if I get accepted and attend my second choice I’ll be meeting up with a lot of my high school friends.

I decide to skip the question and move to the next. “Has disciplinary action ever been taken against you by and University or Secondary School”. Yes, in my freshmen year of high school. I’ve only been in 3 fights in my life and the last one which is the only one I’ve been suspended for in high school was one of the stupidest. The only downside of being a geek is that people occasionally take it as a license to fuck with you. And one of the few downsides of being large is people think you want to fuck with them. The former relationship takes place when people know me and the latter when people don’t. Nobody really beat me up in high school. They all would prefer to steel and hide my shit and see how the resident pacifist would react. As usual, I started with the usual bark which one person mistook for bite. The guy thought I was trying to start a fight with him and jumped me after class. I’m less embarrassed that I was in a fight than the fact that I lost to a guy half my size, like everyone else needed another reason to start shit with me. That fight was nearly a decade ago.

I feel old. I feel the ticking of the clock. I’m twenty and it sounds weird to say that. Both my peers and my elders both still call me a boy. At one time in my life I was the youngest guy in the classroom. My freshmen year I was seventeen. The older I get the more doors I see closing. There are more and more roads not taken. More things I could have done and I didn’t. Things I could have said and didn’t. Certainty is gone. A few years ago I knew things would be okay now I don’t. I hate closing fucking doors.

Possibly Losing My Religion

In my lifetime religion has grown more and more intermingled with politics. This has caused me to think deeply on not only my religious beliefs but also how those beliefs should be practiced. If religion can be named responsible for some of the blights of my country does it have any redeeming qualities? If it does not should I shed my religion altogether? Just because religion can be blamed for some of the ills of the world does not mean that religion itself is evil. However, religion can be used to manipulate and blind people.

Several people in my family are deeply religious. Some of my ancestors helped found a church. At every family reunion there are about five pastors to say grace. My mother is very religious. She is also one of the kindest people I know. She is my primary example in life on how to deal with people. Although I often disagree with her, my opinion of her is not lessened by her religiosity. In fact her connection to religion redeems it in my eyes. It is easy to look at corrupt televangelists and bigotry that uses religion as its rational and use that as evidence that region is for the insane but my mother is proof that it possible to be religious and still be a good person.

It is hard to deny that religion is responsible for many aspects of American culture. Many positive historical events and movements can be linked to religion. Although I think that religion is beginning to permeate politics too much it is hard for me as an African American to deny that religion can cause positive political changes. The Civil Rights movement was not only lead from a church but also lead by a Reverend. What is the line that I draw? It is not necessary for a person to be religious to be moral however often times a persons values stem from religion. If a legislator were to vote for rehabilitation programs for convicts because of a belief in God’s mercy I would support that. How ever I do not support a ban on gay marriage and similar logic would seem to be the reason behind that vote. Why do I feel differently about these two issues? Sometimes Christianity sends conflicting messages.

There are aspects of Christianity that speak of equality, redemption and mercy. At the same time it speaks of war prejudice and self-righteousness. Many of the religious people I speak to say that in order to be a true Christian I must believe and follow the entire bible. For them a true Christian does not cut and paste the bible. Part me believes this. When I think of the idea of love, admittedly I’ve never been truly in love, I think that you must love somebody completely that despite the things you do not like about some one you must accept all of them both the good and the bad. It is this kind of devotion and compromise that makes love beautiful.

As I said part of me feels the same way about religion. If I nip and cut away at he bible chose to ignore parts of it and disbelieve others can I still call myself a Christian? If I chose to lose my religion would it be so horrible? Why do I hesitate to make that declaration? Although I do not necessarily believe the entirety of the bible, I do believe that there must be a divinity. In my eyes the world is far too ordered for all of human and natural events to be forged by mere chance. I refuse to believe that all that his occurred, all that exists merely exists. Something must have started the universe on its path. Something must have guided times arrow. I choose to call myself Christian for two reasons. The first is my belief in a God. The second is belief that at the very least a man named Jesus walked the earth and was crucified.

Despite this belief I am unsure if I should call my self Christian. Although it is posible to be religious and a good person the religion is starting to put emphasis more and more on ideas that I am not sure I support. Although I believe that all things must eventually come to an end, I am not worried about an oncoming apocalypse. For me the world is a dark place.

There is a war and part of me feels like I have not sacrificed for it. I feel conflicted because at the same time I do not support the reasons my nation has gone to war. Despite this it is impossible for me to deny that the military, in order to accomplish its goals, no matter how ambiguous they are needs more men. There is political as well as ecological strife. I still believe that the strife caused by the war and natural disasters is a result of the folly of man not the wrath of God. Mankind through its greed and shortsightedness has caused the crisis that my
generation must solve. These things are horrible but the world will go on. Although I am, a pessimist I have a faith that mankind will find a way to survive. There will be no thousand years of darkness, no holocaust that causes all of humanity to go extinct. We will survive.

During the last century religion has been used as a way to extend human rights. The Enlightenment, The Civil Rights Movement, Transcendentalist Movement The Renaissance, all had roots in religious thought. However, over last few decades people have begun to worry about the righteousness of the nation. Fearing that America has lost the favor of God they have begun to strip away some rights that were hard fought for as well as denied rights to those who had not gained them yet. Part of the bible talks about forgiveness and that God is the ultimate judge of men. Why then do we feel the need to condemn and persecute those who are different? A person’s relationship with the divine can not be fully understood by another person.

Despite the bigotry and negativity that religion may cause it is an important part of culture. For better or worse much of American society has be forged around religion. Although today people may take religion too far it is hard to deny that many of the social values of the country have steamed from religion. I do not mean to say that to be moral is to be religious and to be religious is to be moral, but it is hard to look at the values of the people around me even atheists and say that those values did not come from anywhere. I believe that one of the reasons my mother is so kind is because of her religious views. I am not as religious but through her religion she has taught me how to treat the rest of humanity.

Okay I will now start to ramble as thoughts come to me. As a starting point since I am watching the matrix at the moment so I will start with a quote. “Its the question that drives us.” Its not the known laws but the idea of a God that drives me to think on the matter. What is the nature of God? Why did the creator create the world in the mater he or she did? What is the point. All life ends. What is the point of tonight’s candle. If the candle is blown out, if the world ends, will God create something in its place? Is God by his very nature a creator. Does he wish for things to exist? If he does why do things die? Is there a such thing as an immortal soul or is now, here all we have.


Sometimes I think what I would believe if I gave up Christianity. If I went into the woods and thought on the mater, what would I believe about God? Is God within all living things? Is it possible to gain a spiritual connection with God through mere thought and meditation? Shall I follow the examples of Buddha and Thoreau?


I often have the thought that what I think about God is irrelevant. The absence or presence of God does not suddenly change my world. Every day I still have to wake up, put my pants on and go to class. Why do I even want to ask myself is there a God.

Regardless of the existence of an afterlife, my primary concern will always be my current life. I need no eternal punishment or reward; for both come in this life. Its what I do here and now that matters. Whether it is the ties I make or the ties I break the ties I have here matter. Maybe I say this because eternal spiritual life may last forever but the physical life is fleeting.

I think that there are several problems with religion. It can be used to justify horrible things. There have been several man made tragedies that have been the cause of religion. These include the crusades the Salem Witch Trials as well as 9/11. I believe partially this reason that religion must remain personal. My ideas about God are my own. I do not wish to preach. I am unsure about the nature of God. Perhaps that is the point. That God is merely the unknown. If God is the unknown perhaps, it is impossible to know him.

I do not know what I believe or even it maters that I don’t know what I believe. Life goes on. I will continue to think about these things but they will only be in the back of my mind. I must deal with the present. I must deal with tangible issues and not allow my self to be distracted by religion, Things need to be done. Despite my religious beliefs or the lack there of I must live in a world where God walks above man not among him.

If You Want to Run

I’m tired of being told
Walk now
Run when you’re more old
I wish I were more bold
And just said now
I want to do
Not to practice
Because doing is practice
Doing is making mistakes
And then correcting them

I want to write books and poems
Not to write about books and poems
I want to do business
Not sit in a lecture about why people sell
Hell

I ain’t got the time
And my patient's not that kind
I know it may seem that I just whine
But I feel that my life is mine
And it seems like such a crime
To just sit and wait
And to placate
the authority

Into the sun
Like a bullet out of a gun
I want to run

I Left

I have abandoned those who I cared about
I left without a word
No goodbyes
Last night the ghosts of my past visited me
Thoughts and feelings I thought I laid to rest
Its not the feelings of personal failure and self loathing that I though I could deal with
But the fact that I did not turn to those who cared for me when I felt these feelings
I kept everything inside

Orientation: Chapter 1 Draft 1

Caleb’s eyes blink open as he lifts his body from the bed. Shifting his weight he almost falls in the attempt to reach the phone.

“Hello,” his voice scratches.

“Yo. You know you should be woke already”
“Huh”

“We have to leave in an hour”

“Shit!”

Dropping the phone he runs to the shower knowing Cole will forgive him . He almost knocks over his mother. Caleb’s mom thinks of them as brothers. She could never really get a read on her son, but Cole could. Almost every day she would call Cole just to make sure Caleb wasn’t in harm’s way. She knew however Cole would never tell her anything Caleb didn’t want her to know.

Knowing there isn’t enough time to tame his mangled mane, and not wanting too anyway he throws on a black skullcap. He groans as he sees that not only is Cole’s car in the drive way but so is Aunt Jessie’s. He had forgotten that his aunt had asked him to take his younger cousin with him. When he and his cousin were alone he enjoyed his company but, Roger did not know when to be mellow. He didn’t know that sometimes it’s good to find solitude in a crowd.

Caleb went to say hi to Aunt Jessie. When Uncle Omar first married her everyone was nervous because she was white, but she was so amiable that everyone came to love her and forgot their original reservations. Although Caleb hated the idea of taking Roger with him, he also hated the idea of turning Aunt Jess down, besides his mother would never forget if he had. Aunt Jessie had never met Cole, but Caleb wasn’t worried they would be on the road before anything too awkward was said.

Cole’s dependable hopty is the iron horse that will take them to the university. Cole has the habit of naming all of his favorite things grandiose names. He calls his car the Argo. The trunk is open as Cole walks out the door, his father has already put his suitcase outside. Cole kept his book bag in his room with him. It’s never more than a few feet from him. He slings it on his back. Deciding it would be unsociable to just leave he decides to shoot the breeze with Mom, Dad and Aunt Jess.

“Don’t worry mom. I’ll be back in a few days.” They both know it may be a lie, that in Caleb’s heart he believes he should have left home years ago. It burns at his pride that he hasn’t.

“Yo the sun ain’t gonna be up forever. We’re burning daylight and worse gas.”, Cole shouts.

Jessie moves to put Roger’s bags in the trunk. Cole looks at Caleb counting on his fingers and raising an eyebrow. Caleb smiled. This put his mother at ease. Cole seldom smiled. Whenever he was at home he lied in bed in an artificial night. The glow of the bed lamp and the computer were the only things keeping him from true darkness. Even now being out in the morning sun hurt his eyes.

Caleb’s mom knows the sorrows of her son for they are her sorrows as well. She doesn’t know what to do or say to shake him out of them. She cries every night believing she has failed in her duty to protect her son. He never wanted or asked for her aid. Even if he had there is know denying that the twists in the road are his fault, but she still cries. At his high school graduation she wore a black afro. Now, just three years later her hair was a grizzled grey. Caleb was worried about her as well. He knew his depression was causing his mother to wither, yet he could not escape himself.

Jess snaps a few pictures to commemorate the moment, and tosses the camera to Roger. In emulation of his older cousin, he grew his hair but instead of growing out it grew down.
“When you gonna get a hair cut Cal”

“Soon as you do. My ‘fro makes me look like a warrior your head makes you look like a girl”

“At least I don’t wear a hat everywhere I go even in the summer.”
“No but you should cuz. But you should”

“See what you started” Eva laughs to Cole

“It was early and arh arh There was a little need for tension breaking”
“Huh”

“Don’t worry about it Ma” Caleb laughs

“We ought to get going”

The trunk closes and Cal and Roger get into the car. As they drive off their parents wave them off.